“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again