If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.