364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog