Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.