[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Dance like you’re not the father
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.