Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
consequences, the bane of my existence
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Catering service
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S