got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.