[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.