When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college