Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Who did it better?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things