I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Every work meeting this week
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Software Development ⛵️
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*