I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Meeeee too!
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.