Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Hell yeah 👍
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Ain’t no way
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.