Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
You Might Also Like
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.