I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You Might Also Like
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.