When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”