I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.