The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Life hack
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.