Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!