Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Body by cheese-puffs.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.