3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
mumsnet is amazing
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.