I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Still a very good boi….
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.