my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You Might Also Like
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.