[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
This is Sparta
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s