The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You Might Also Like
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?