“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
bears
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.