Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.