Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.