Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. đ Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought â barely works. two stars
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
so my mum bought a lamb for ÂŁ20 so it doesnât get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say Iâm surprised but itâs very her
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Rambo Rambow
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*gets down on one knee*
Me: I know we havenât known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually Iâm here to marry you AND your fiancĂŠ now get up people are staring
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If a companyâs hiring sign says, âCome grow with us,â youâre about to do the work of 3-5 people.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Practicing safe sax
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
People in Jersey say âyouâre welcomeâ not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.