Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!