“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
🤣🤣💀
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.