Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”