Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”