Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You Might Also Like
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…