Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Cucumbers Anonymous
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT