Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.