Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice