Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.