The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Cheer up.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.