as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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Its true…
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?