I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…