taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.