I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The French cow says MEUX…
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
welp
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.