If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
never ask a starfish for directions
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*