first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.