The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH