Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
#Caturday
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.