‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season