When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why am I like this?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.