My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
ouch
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Oh hi lol
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.